


Death By Pranks

by MoonKittyru



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Molly Weasley Bashing, Ron Weasley Bashing, very slight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 16:00:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15561351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonKittyru/pseuds/MoonKittyru
Summary: Cross posted on FF.NetHad this idea almost a decade ago. What would it look like if Harry and Hermione embraced their Muggle upbringing and started planning Voldemort's death via pranks? Prank war thrown in, a little bit of dark humor, and decent writing from the author. This is seriously a work in progress.





	1. Snoring and Pranks

After the adrenalin rush of the flight from Privet Drive across London to Grimmauld Place, Harry couldn't sleep. Well, it was the adrenaline but also everyone's refusal to tell him what is going on with Voldemort. Harry knew that the adults were trying to protect him, but didn't they realize that Voldemort wasn't going to wait for Harry to grow up before trying to kill him?

"SNARGHHHHH! Cor…. mmmmm…Buttons…spooooon…." Ron murmured in his sleep.

And now Ron's snoring and sleep-mumbles just added to Harry's frustration. Ron was…. is…. was…. IS Harry's best mate. But as bad as the Dursley's can be, Harry looks forward to the summer for one reason alone. He enjoyed having his own space that did not include one or more flatulating, messy, snoring boy. And as soon as Harry arrives at  _his_  godfather's house, he is yet again forced to share with Ron. It wasn't like anyone (Mrs. Weasley) asked if he wanted to, let alone minded, sharing a room.

Rolling over so he was now facing Ron's bed, Harry was tempted to fire the rubber band he was playing with at Ron. Doing that would be the closest thing Harry could get to a stinging hex. Besides, for some reason firing a rubber band gave Harry a cathartic fission of glee. With the rubber band missile doing nothing to jolt Ron awake enough so he would shift and stop snoring, Harry ripped his blankets off his bed and grabbed his pillow. With a sigh of frustration, he turned towards the door and shuffled out of the room with the plan to sleep in the library or parlor. That is if he could find either room.

After trying what felt like a hundred doors and with the clock chiming 1 AM, Harry finally found the library. What he was not expecting to find, at least on this night, was Hermione camped out in front of the fireplace with her own pillow and blankets.

"Um…Hi." Harry mumbled once Hermione looked up from her book. The look she shot at him once she did look up was a mix between "what now" and "please don't be mad." An interesting combination for an expression, but one that Hermione had perfected into an art form over their four-plus years of friendship. A sheepish grin and shrug of the shoulders, Harry's reply was a "sorry" and "not much." With a heavy sigh, eye roll, and shiver, Hermione told him he was forgiven, he was just being a boy after all, and to get him and his blankets over here since she was cold.

Moving two of the settees together and draping their blankets over them, Harry and Hermione settled down for the long haul…or at least until morning. Harry's pillow was bunched at his back with Hermione's tucked against his side with her leaning into it and him. It was during their first year at Hogwarts that they started having late night rendezvous. The reason they started meeting up late at night wasn't for anything nefarious nor sexual, it was that they just had a few things in common. Beyond both being Muggle raised/born, Harry and Hermione were both light sleepers and major night owls. They would often stay up all night reading and talking about random things.

First year, Hermione didn't really have to worry about noise since all her dorm-mates were pretty quiet sleepers. She tended to stay up because of being homesick and wrapped up in a good book. The lack of noise changed in second year though when Ginny came to Hogwarts. Apparently all Weasleys, be them by birth or marriage, snored and snored badly.

Harry though had three roommates who did not or could not stay quiet. Ron, being a Weasley, snored. But he also tended to talk in his sleep. Seamus, another snorer, also recited poetry in his sleep. And it wasn't sweet innocent little nursery rhymes; no, he tended to recite limericks. The dirtier the better apparently. The third culprit in "let's not allow Harry to sleep" plot was Dean Thomas. Though he didn't snore, Dean tended to sleep walk. Not so bad, until he would decide to play rugby in his sleep. Apparently, all of the beds and the boys in them were the opposing team that Dean had to tackle. So invariably, at least three nights out of every seven, Harry would end up in the common room reading or talking to Hermione.

Their current positions though, with Harry leaning against the backrest and Hermione leaning against him, occurred for the first time in their first year. It was a couple of fifth year prefects that originally caught them in the compromising situation.

**-FLASH-BACK-**

A month into their co-all-nighters, Harry and Hermione started talking beyond a meek "Hi" or "Good night." It was about a month after they started talking that the upper years started to find the two curled up on the couches fast asleep. It was the morning after the Troll Incident that Harry and Hermione woke to their most awkward situation.

Hermione was obviously very emotional after Halloween night, what with being nearly killed and running the risk of expulsion for lying to a professor. She knew she was going to have nightmares if she even attempted sleep that night, so Harry agreed to stay awake with her.

Trying as hard as she could, even using all the tricks she knew, Hermione could not concentrate on her book. And in her mind, that was nearly sacrilegious considering the book was Nancy Drew. Seeing that Hermione seemed to be re-reading the same page for ten minutes, Harry suggested an alternative.

"Wait here. I'm going to go grab something from my trunk." Harry whispered as he jogged up to his dormitory. When he returned, he held a thick book in his hand and had his pillow and blankets balled up in his arms. "Here," he said as he spread his blankets out on the couch in front of the fireplace. "Lay down. I'll read to you and you just picture the story."

"Is that…Robert Jordan? His Wheel series? You read that? Why?" Hermione asked with disbelief and slight derision coloring her voice.

"The first few books are pretty good. It's as he tried to keep the story going that they get bad. Besides, it was either this or  _Lord of the Rings_. And we both know that  _Lord of the Rings_  is just too good to even consider falling asleep to." Harry said with mirth in his voice as he started to settle onto the floor next to the couch Hermione was on.

"Okay, but you have to sit up here with me. I'm not going to steal your pillow and blankets while you sit on the floor." Hermione said, trying to sound put upon but not quite able to hide the laughter from her face or voice.

The next morning, the fifth-year prefects, Ciaran and Jenifer, found the two first years curled up on the couch. Again, not abnormal, but what caused the prefects to pause was the way the firsties were sleeping. Harry's pillow was on the middle cushion with both Harry and Hermione using it. And half of the blankets covered Hermione while the other half covered Harry. Pausing a moment to take a picture of the absolutely most adorable (blackmail worthy) sight, Ciaran and Jenifer carefully woke Harry and Hermione. From that night/morning on, whenever Harry and Hermione would head down to the common room, they made sure to grab their own pillows and blankets. Plus, they would grab the couch cushions from a couple of couches and spread them out as makeshift mattresses. The reading to each other went from a tactic used when one of them was afraid of nightmares to something they would do every time they both were awake late at night. It was decided though that Robert Jordan and his  _Wheel of Time_  series would be saved for those nights when they hadn't slept well in a while.

**-FLASH-FORWARD-**

As they settled in on the settees, Hermione Accioed the latest  _Wheel of Time_  book that they were reading. When it arrived and floated into her open palm, she held it up for Harry to see. Telling him by that action alone, that if he was ready and willing, she would start reading. Otherwise they could talk for a little bit.

Shrugging his shoulders, Harry said, "You know, not tonight. I think I just want to talk."

"About what?" Hermione asked as she laid the book on the floor with her other things.

"I don't know. I'm just so…so…frustrated. Dumbledore expects me to tell him everything. Yet he refuses to actually look at me let alone talk to me. Sirius is willing to talk to me, but Mrs. Weasley won't let him. Mrs. Weasley keeps trying to be my mom but doesn't seem to realize she is not only smothering me but also making it worse. I don't need a mom; I have one, she died for me. My best mate lied to me and didn't tell me what was going on in our world. And my best friend seems to have forgotten the mobiles we bought just so we  _could_  talk during the summer.

"But what is really frustrating me is that all of the wizarding world looks to me like I am their Messiah and kill Tom when he comes back, yet refuses to listen when I try to warn them about Riddle. Plus! Every adult we know seems to refuse to train us so we can protect ourselves." Harry said, his voice rising from a whisper to nearly shouting by the end of his rant.

Rolling over so she was sitting on her knees, Hermione hushed Harry while asking for forgiveness with puppy-dog eyes. "I can't say anything about  _Professor_  Dumbledore, Sirius, or Mrs. Weasley. But I can explain about no info from Ron or me when we did write. Apparently in the wizarding world a parent can charm their children so that they can't share 'family' secrets. And since  _Professor_  Dumbledore is my in-loco-parentis when I'm here, he can place that charm on me. Plus, any muggle electronics that I brought got taken away," Hermione explained.

"And what do you mean about you having to kill Riddle? I'm not denying it, I'm just trying to clarify it," she questioned with her hands raised to stop Harry from leaving.

"How Riddle acted at The Cemetery," Harry started to explain. "Tom could have let any of his…MorbidMunchers," Hermione giggled at the new name, "try to kill me.  _HE_  was the one to insist on a duel.  _HE_ is the one that made this all personal. And I am saying that even after everything with my parents and the Dursleys." Harry replied, with a small smile at having made Hermione laugh.

Feeling relieved that he had gotten all of that out and knowing that Hermione could tell now was not the time for more questions, Harry settled back into his pillow. After five minutes of silence passed, just staring into the fireplace, he opened his mouth about to ask Hermione about why she was up when he got interrupted.

"Ok…then…since no one is going to train you, how about we try to figure out our own ways to kill Tom. And the funnier, the better," Hermione said, her eyes lighting up with glee and plots abounding. When Hermione got that look in her eyes, Harry knew the best course of action was to simply sit back and enjoy the show.

"What do you have in mind?" Harry asked with his own gleam matching Hermione's.

Reaching down to where she had gently discarded her books, Hermione grabbed a notebook and pen. "Let's think of different embarrassing or funny or weird ways to kill Moldyshorts. Then we can try to plan out how we would have to go about each method of slaying so we can possibly pull it off," she answered as she snuggled into her pillow and Harry's side.

"You mean like plan his death by pranks?" Harry said as a Cheshire grin spread across his face.

Nodding and arranging the notebook on her knees, Hermione said, "Yeah, exactly. And I've got one…."

 


	2. Death By Dinosaur

AN: I should have done this on the first chapter, but I kind of forgot to. I DO NOT own any of these characters that might be recognizable from JK Rowling's work of fictions. The people that do own these characters either: lives in a house in Scotland and has red hair; or lives in a Mansion in Beverly Hills that the movies paid for. The only things I own are the nicknames for Voldemort. But please, feel free to use them; just give me a little bit of credit if you do.

Nodding while starting to smirk, Hermione said, "I've got one. Have you ever heard of the American show  _Barney and Friends_?" Feeling Harry shake his head no, she went on to explain.

"Bit of a back history. My great-aunt was a war bride for a Yank during WWII. After the war, they moved to Cambridge, Massachusetts. When my mum was little, her family would visit my great-aunt every other summer. Once I was born, my parents decided to continue that tradition with me. So about every two years, I am dragged across the pond to visit Mum's extended family. The worse part is that I am the oldest of all my second cousins by quite a few years. That means I know more about American children's shows than I really want to know.

"And because of the age gap, I'm often 'asked' to baby-sit the younger kids at these get togethers. A few of them absolutely love this show  _Barney_ , where Barney is this giant purple dinosaur that teaches everyone about tolerance and love through his song  _I love you_." Hermione explained as shudders racked her body. Mumbling about needing bleach for her brain and hydrogen peroxide for her mouth, Harry considered what Hermione had just told him.

"It's really that bad? Really? It can't be worse than  _Teletubbies_ , can it?" Harry said, trying to laugh at the absurdity of that idea. Something being worse than the  _Teletubbies_  was just not possible in his mind.

Even upside down, Hermione's level four-death-glare was enough to strike fear in the hearts of crocodiles the world over. "I will say this one time only Potter. It. Is. Worse," Hermione ground out from between clenched jaws.

Knowing that look and tone of voice and the danger to Harry it foretold, he did the only thing he could think of to properly apologize to an irate Hermione. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, squeezed like no tomorrow, and blew a raspberry on her shoulder. Laughing her true belly laugh (one of Harry's favorite sounds), Hermione squeezed his arms and token squirmed.

"Okay. So we've established  _Barney_  is annoying. But how does that lead to Moldywarts dying?" Harry asked as he tried to avoid Hermione's retaliation tickling.

"Simple, and I am very disappointed you didn't already figure it out," Hermione said. "I find a charm that will allow us to program a wireless to play one song and only one song over and over again. I then find another charm that allows for the wireless to transfigure itself into an ice pick after every 100 song repetitions."

It was at this point that Harry finally caught on to Hermione's plan for this prank. Chuckling, Harry picked up the idea and continued from where Hermione left off. "Then  **we**  find a charm that makes the wireless follow Wartyshorts everywhere while avoiding anything, magical or otherwise, thrown at it. And once  **we**  find the charms needed, you can help me figure out how to chain them together to cast. But how do I get close enough to cast the charms."

With an elbow jab in the side when Harry left her out of the casting, Hermione and Harry settled down to figure out how they might be able to get Riddle out of hiding so they could cast the charms needed for their prank. As she thought, Hermione started doodling in her notebook while Harry tried not to fidget while watching her random doodles take shape.

"We could…no that wouldn't work," Hermione started to say.

"How about…no," Harry tried this time.

Another five minutes passed before either tried to say anything.

Harry suddenly sat up straight, a sudden smirk forming on his face. "I could always post a mobile to him and call him once he gets it…the ring tone could even be that Barney song."

"That might work, the mobile part. But we should probably make it sound like a phone from the 1940s. That way he has a better idea what the phone does." Hermione said, excited about this new idea.

Locking gazes, Harry and Hermione realized the idea they were contemplating. It was just absurd. Slowly they started smiling then grinning. When their grins changed to chuckles, they knew they might be in danger of waking the house. And five minutes later they realized they had at least woken a couple of people when they saw Sirius and Remus stagger into the library.

The kids' hyena like laughter woke the two Marauders and made them think that somehow Bellatrix had gotten into the house through the library. When the adults realized that it was just Harry and Hermione, they tried to get the two kids to explain what they were finding so funny. But that proved nearly impossible since the only words that either teen could get out were "Moldywarts," "Barney," and "mobile." Trying as hard as they could at 3 AM, neither Sirius nor Remus could understand what the kids were trying to explain. But what the adults did know was that if it was able to get Harry to smile let alone laugh, they weren't going to question it. Instead, they shrugged and turned around to head back to their beds, firing a silencing ward at the library doors on their way out. Besides, figuring out how teenagers think needs a lot more power than they could get at 3 AM. It requires coffee and more sleep than they were working on.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't Own. Don't want to own. Is definitely not going to happen.


	3. Attack...

After figuring out a way to murder someone using a purple dinosaur as the weapon, the two psychopaths-in-training fell asleep curled up in front of the fire. Even falling asleep at four in the morning, Harry and Hermione were still the first to wake. Knowing that four hours of sleep, while about their usual amount, still meant that no verbal communication would be allowed until a shower and at least both had two cups of coffee.

With a finger comb of her hair and a scrunching of her nose, Hermione "told" Harry she would see him in the kitchen after they both had showered. She knew her hair was a mess and since Harry was a boy, he obviously needed to bathe before he would be allowed in her presence today. A light tug of a curl and tickle of her sides, Harry let Hermione know the feeling was mutual.

Thankfully the rest of the house did not wake and start making their ways into the kitchen until Harry had already had his usual four cups of coffee and was slowly working on his fifth. All of the early risers at Hogwarts, Professors included, knew that you don't say anything to Harry Potter until he has had at least two cups of coffee. And if you want an answer that is polite and polysyllabic, wait until he has had four cups. Hermione's coffee addiction was only slightly less severe. With her, she was safe after one cup and would start talking on her third.

Remus was the first to wander into the kitchen. Having heard their laughter the night before, he ignored what Harry and Hermione were talking about. Besides, coffee is always more important. The next person to walk in was Tonks. Actually, she more tripped into the room than actually walked. Grabbing a cup of tea, she settled down at the table, listening to Harry and Hermione talk about the horror of some tubby things and something purple.

"Okay, we both know Teletubbies. So how is Barney worse?" Harry asked while sipping his coffee.

"Do not say that name. Saying that name is like calling Beetlejuice, bad for your health." Hermione muttered. She was allowed to be a little bitchy; she had only started on her third cup.

"Besides," Hermione said, "the Tubbies don't talk much, they just kind of coo. And the narrator, while annoying with what he says, kind of has a soothing voice. I've fallen asleep while that show is playing. Now that other show, there is no redeeming qualities…. You've just made me throw up a little in my mouth just thinking about it."

"Ah, I am sorry. Here, as my penance, I shall re-fill your mug for you." Harry replied, looking completely un-apologetic.

"Mmmmm, coffee…you are forgiven." Hermione hummed as she started the cup of coffee (her fourth) that she would now nurse for the rest of the morning.

Remus, Tonks, Sirius, Fred and George couldn't help but shake their heads at the antics of Harry and Hermione. There was one thing in favor of waking up early, with Ron nowhere around, Harry and Hermione were cute and funny with how they interacted. Harry would be (somewhat) serious and Hermione loosened up enough to giggle and joke. Another detail everyone noticed was how truly self-sufficient Harry was. Even with Kreacher's grumbles, Harry refused to be served. He even went so far as to suggest Kreacher go clean what he needed to while Harry took care of the morning beverages.

About the time Harry and Hermione started to debate (with some input from Tonks) the merits of G.I. Joe and Justice League, a thundering noise echoed from the stairs. Only two things in the world, outside of the wild of course, sound like a herd of elephants stampeding. Cats running around and Ron Weasley heading towards food. Since the only cat that was currently at Grimmauld Place was Crookshanks and he was trying to hypnotize Tonks into giving him her toast and kippers, that meant the noise had to be Ron. And where Ron went looking for food, Mummy wouldn't be far behind to make it for him.

Right on cue, Ron came through the door and plopped down next to Hermione. Trying to be suave, he put his arm around Hermione's shoulders and started to monopolize the conversation with his incessant rambles/rants about chess and Quidditch. Everyone else in the kitchen rolled his or her eyes. Harry and Hermione because this was normal with Ron, everyone else because the conversation had just started to get good with a debate going on which superhero would win in a fight. Though no one understood who Batman or Superman or Spiderman or even Ironman really was.

"Hey Don Juan," Harry said to Ron, "I don't think you want your mum catching you dressed like that. She'll slaughter you."

With a glance down, Ron wondered what Harry was talking about. He didn't see any problem with his clothes. They didn't have any more food stains than normal.

While Ron was distracted, Hermione shot Harry a grateful look and shrugged Ron's arm off her shoulders. Standing up, she headed over to the counter and made herself some more toast. And just like she knew would happen, once she sat down Ron stole a piece of toast. Thankfully it was the piece that she knew he would take.

"Thanks Herms, you're the best," Ron said as he ate the pilfered toast. "Ew! Yuck! That tastes worse than earwax. What did you put on my toast?"

"Your toast Ronald?" Hermione asked, her frigid tone causing everyone to back away from the table. "I put some vegemite on the toast I made for myself. Don't like it then don't steal my food."

Unfortunately, Mrs. Weasley heard Ron complaining about the toast as she walked in. "My poor baby. Did Hermione give you some of that nasty Muggle food again? I told you Hermione, nothing Muggle is allowed in this house."

Harry was tempted to tell Mrs. Weasley that he should probably leave than since he was and (in that moment) would rather be Muggle than have to eat her crappy cooking another day. Hermione, knowing what Harry wanted to say, gave a small shake of her head and just smiled at Molly. Hermione knew that there was no winning against Mrs. Weasley. In her eyes, her children could do no wrong, especially Ron and Ginny.

As Mrs. Weasley continued to scold Hermione and Harry continued simmering in anger, everyone knew where the metaphorical hand basket was heading if Harry wasn't calmed down. Knowing Harry's temper and the easiest way to calm him at that moment, Hermione pushed a piece of toast at Harry. Written in the spread was a single "n". Grabbing the toast and nearly moaning in pleasure at the taste, Harry's eyes told Hermione that she was his favorite until the next day…. There is only so much a single slice of toast with Nutella could do to make him happy. If it had been a plateful, then Hermione would have been his favorite for the whole week.

"Harry dear, you need to eat more. You are way too thin. I'll make you a nice fry-up. And why are you drinking that horrid stuff. Here is a nice cuppa. Hermione! Come over here so I can teach you how to properly cook like good witch." Mrs. Weasley said, verbally steamrolling over any protestations.

"And why is that cat in  _my_  kitchen? I have told you to keep that thing out of here." Molly berated Hermione as she tripped over Crookshanks and nearly scalded the cat and herself with the tea she was carrying.

"Molly," Tonks interrupted, "could you show me how to cook? I just got my own flat and would like to be able to cook without burning anything. My mum only cooked the Muggle way."

With Mrs. Weasley's attention away from Harry and Hermione, Tonks gestured behind her back for the two to flee the kitchen. A wave of thanks reflected in the window and out the door scurried both of them.

Hermione, being a child of London, knew how to get around on the buses from an early age. Harry, learning for survival, taught himself the buses after having been left behind by the Dursleys a few too many times. Because of this, neither Harry nor Hermione liked the idea of being in the city and not knowing exactly where they were.

Grabbing their jackets, they headed towards the entrance with the plan of figuring out where they were firmly planted in their minds. An echoing cough announced that they weren't alone; the twins were also standing in the entrance hall. Turning around, Harry and Hermione saw Fred and George with all five fingers held up and a gesture that Hermione and Harry would take the blame for the next prank the Twins pulled. That was the cue to start the silent negotiations for not snitching on sneaking out. Even knowing what they would most likely end up accepting as the terms, all four teens still went through the process. It was tradition and fun after all.

Harry held up a single finger and gestured that silence would be kept. The twins returned with four fingers each and Harry or Hermione would run interference. With a shake of no, Hermione returned with two fingers and an offer of silence and ignorance over the next prank. Fred (and George) was about to counteroffer again when movement was heard on the stairs from the upper levels and from the kitchen below. Quickly, so that they wouldn't be caught, Harry offered the Twins five sickles total and help both planning and pulling off their next prank if they ran interference today. A handshake sealed the deal and Harry fled through the door being held open by Hermione. Knowing they didn't have long, Harry and Hermione turned left and quickly disappeared down the road.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still don't own.


	4. ...of the Autobahn

After walking for a couple blocks, Harry and Hermione bought some chips and headed to the park across from Sirius' house. Sitting on a bench where they could see the whole street and the upper windows of Number 13, just in case the Twins signaled the coast was clear to return, the two settled down for some people watching.

Shooting an inquisitive look at Harry, Hermione quirked an eyebrow in puzzlement at why he was laughing. Shaking his head in resignation while still chuckling, Harry gestured asking for a moment to collect his thoughts and be able to breathe and talk around his laughs.

"I was thinking about our conversation last night," he said.

"Oh no, you were thinking. That's kind of dangerous," Hermione replied as Harry bumped her shoulder in retaliation for the sarcasm. Laughing, Hermione said, "Which part and what about it?"

"The prank deaths. And I just thought of one," Harry said, a smirk present in his voice.

"Okay…what is it?… Harry, what is your idea?" Hermione asked. When all Harry did was point at the street in front of them, Hermione was ready to sock his shoulder. But all the expression on his face said was for her to wait and she would understand. A beat later, Hermione did understand what Harry's plan was when a Maserati went screaming pass them.

"You know that playing with oversized toys like that can be dangerous," she said as her ever-present notebook and pen appeared. "So, what is your plan for this one?"

"I don't know for sure. All I can think of is that I would love to see Tom…hell, any wizards really, try to cross the street without a Muggle-raised around to help. I have a feeling that it would be pretty entertaining," Harry said.

Hermione hummed in acknowledgement as she started writing. Knowing she was listening, though it was with only half an ear, Harry continued thinking aloud about cars and killing Voldemort and the road and killing Voldemort and traffic and killing Voldemort. He had just hit an interesting idea. Which would cause more damage killing Voldemort: a Land Rover, a Range Rover, a Jeep, or a Hummer? Figuring a Land Rover won for sheer British-ness, Harry considered the fatality of:

  * a double-decker bus,
  * a small tank,
  * or a big-rig.



"Does it have to be a street he crosses," Hermione suddenly asked, "What about a highway?"

"What, like the M-1?" Harry said.

"Yeah, or even the Autobahn. I've heard of a stretch of highway in Romania that is pretty dangerous. Then you have the tracks in Milan for Formula 1 racing. There is even a racetrack in Germany that is open to the public. Use of the track only costs a few Euro per lap." Hermione explained.

"Miss Granger, I like the way you think," Harry said throwing an arm around Hermione's shoulders and giving a squeeze. "And I think I'll go with option number a.) the Autobahn. Oh oh oh, what do we have here? You're writing down what I've been saying? I knew you were just as sadistic as me."

Falling back on the most mature response Hermione had, she did the only thing anyone being teased could do. Looking Harry in eye, she crossed her eyes and stuck her tongue out. "So there," she said.

"Hehehe, point made. Okay, so we have the where and the why is a 'no duh.' Who is the victim is another obvious answer, but what about the weapons? The order could drive the cars, but not enough know a little bit let alone enough about the Muggle world to be safe behind the wheel. That would mean you and I would have to do the driving; possibly even with Remus, Tonks, and Sirius helping out." Harry said.

"Let's say we do the driving," Hermione said. "Magical transportation wards would have to be put up. Same with something to keep Tom from just walking away. What about an e-fence or e-collar? That would require less magic and keeps with the idea of using the world he's turned his back on against him."

"You know, I really don't want to do the driving at all. I would much rather sit back with popcorn and enjoy the show. An e-collar and invisible fence would be fun and probably our best bet. He…he he…heheha…hahaha, we could make him play real life Frogger on the Autobahn. Get him there by turning…Snape's mark into a portkey. In fact, set the coordinates so they drop him right in the middle of the road with oncoming traffic surrounding him. Hey look; I think that's our signal we need to get back while the coast is clear," Harry said. His mood dropping to resigned when he spotted the Twins' signal.

Standing up, Hermione grabbed Harry's hand and pulled him up after her. Glancing at him, Hermione thought Harry looked like he was going to his own execution. And she didn't like that look on his face, so going with the only thing she could think of, Hermione started to whistle. The song that came out of her mouth was the theme from  _Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back_. It got Harry laughing and as morbid and macabre their recent conversations have been, Hermione was glad that Harry was smiling again. Hopefully he wouldn't lose that good mood anytime soon, especially if Hermione has any say.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own, don't want to own, merely want to fill full of sugar and return to "Mom" like a good Aunty/evil younger sister.


End file.
